Sweet Misery
by O'God
Summary: It's called sweet misery when you think your one true love is happy with someone else. Well that's what life is like for 6 people who can't seem to figure out their love triangle goes counter-clockwise. {disclaimer: characters aren't mine}


Sweet Misery  
  
  
  
"Trowa!"  
  
Li screamed her release as the world crashed down around her.  
  
I thrust into her a few seconds longer, before letting my climax take me. I couldn't help but collapse on top of her. We lay there panting, trying to catch our breaths for the next ten minutes, before I rolled off the bed, ridding myself of the used condom. Li snuggled into my arms when I returned. She began to drift into sleep, but I quietly woke her.  
  
"Li?"  
  
"Hmm…" she murmured.  
  
"Say my name." I commanded quietly.  
  
Drifting into slumber, she obeyed,  
  
"Duo."  
  
******************Duo's POV******************  
  
It wasn't the first time Li had called out to Trowa when we made love.  
  
I'm not mad. I've never been. Not in the three long years we've been together.  
  
It wouldn't be fair. To be mad at her for doing the same thing I am.  
  
We're both going for second best. I'm using her. She's using me. Because neither of us can have what we really want.  
  
I know that doesn't sound very nice or noble, using people, but we both understand. We also love each other.  
  
I'm not lying when I tell her I love her. And I know she's not lying when she says the same thing. It's just that I know she doesn't love me the same way she love's Trowa. Or the same way I love Ai.  
  
I think that's the whole reason we got together. Because of those two. Well, it's not just those two. Jay and Wufei are in on it too.  
  
When Jay and Trowa got together, Li's world fell apart. You should have seen her. Boy, she was a mess. I tried to help her but I was too busy chasing Ai. Well, until Wufei took Ai away. Then I was a mess too. So we hooked up, trying to keep each other sane.  
  
I bet everyone will tell you that I haven't really changed, but they can't say the same for Li. She doesn't smile as much or laugh very often. And she always looks sad. Both Heero and Wufei have said something to me, like it's my fault.  
  
Despite what everyone says about me, I have changed. In ways I'm like Li. When we're alone together we're not the smiley, goofy pair we seem to be. Like Li, I don't smile or laugh as much. Shit, I go through depression more often than she does. It's just that I know how to hide it. Behind my clown's mask. I think Li has caught on though. She won't let me be alone when I need to be.  
  
God I love her. Fuck, there's no way I can't. We're two of a kind.  
  
Dying together on the inside.  
  
  
  
******************Li's POV******************  
  
I don't want to go. But I will, because of Duo.  
  
This is his chance to see Ai again. It's been five months since we've seen the rest of the gang. To see Wufei, Heero, Ai, Quatre, and Jay. And Trowa.  
  
That's why I don't want to go. Trowa.  
  
It's been three years since I hooked up with Duo and I still haven't learned to cope. I knew then and I know now that it was a rebound. A rebound from the heartache of Trowa and Jay, but for some reason we're still together today. Maybe we're still rebounding.  
  
I know that Duo was just as affected by Wufei and Ai's relationship as I was by Jay and Trowa's. I know he tries to hide it all. But living with a person for three years teaches you things about them. I know when he's feeling depressed about Ai. I know when he's upset with life. I also know that he thinks about Ai when we make love. I do the same thing. I think about Trowa all the time.  
  
He's never said her name during sex, like I have, but that doesn't mean he doesn't talk about her. He's constantly telling me about some random moment they had together and how he felt about it. I don't think he even realizes he's doing it.  
  
But I still love him. I love him for being there for me. I also love him for the sake of loving someone who loves me back. I'll love him even more, during the next four weeks of depression he's going to feel after seeing Wufei and Ai together. I'll still love him when I cry tonight after seeing Trowa again. I don't want to go.  
  
But we're already here. Quatre's mansion on earth, where we always meet. Everyone's here already, probably because Duo and I are always running late. Most of the time it's both of our faults. Today it's mine. I didn't want to come.  
  
Trowa's here. Oh gods, it hurts. Hold me, Duo.  
  
******************Jay's POV******************  
  
This is all my fault. If I hadn't suggested we go out tonight none of this would have happened.  
  
But, I mean who would have expected that some apocalyptic old man would think that Li was the perfect sacrifice to save the world from destruction. Jesus.  
  
I hope the police get that idiot. They'd probably be a whole lot nicer than Heero or Duo or Trowa. I almost feel sorry for him. Idiot.  
  
But I guess this is still mostly my fault. I mean if I hadn't…  
  
Quatre wouldn't be crying. Duo wouldn't be pacing. Wufei wouldn't be cursing. Ai wouldn't be clinging to Wufei. Heero wouldn't be talking to a doctor. Trowa wouldn't be gripping my hand in a death grip.  
  
Li wouldn't be dying of a gunshot wound.  
  
I know I've been crying. I can feel the moisture on my cheeks, but I can't do anything about it. Like my hand, my body has gone numb. But my mind hasn't.  
  
I've been thinking about how screwed up life is for the last four and half- hours.  
  
That's how long it takes. For someone you love to be rushed to a hospital, have a bullet removed, and given emergency surgery.  
  
I should probably be holding Trowa. Telling him everything's going to be all right. That Li's going to survive. But I can't. That would make it sound like Li was Trowa's. Like she was going to wake up and run into his arms. But she won't because she's not his. I am.  
  
I'm not even looking at him. I know he's not crying or showing any emotion at all, but he's feeling it. He's probably watching Duo pace, cursing him for having what he couldn't. That was the pain I felt in my hand about four hours ago. When his knuckles went white with strain.  
  
But I'm not looking at him. I'm shockingly unconcerned with Trowa. I'm stuck on watching Wufei. Watching and loathing the crying girl in his arms.  
  
I'm letting emotions that I tried to bury for the last three years wash over me. There were times when I needed to cry but didn't. There were times when I became violent during sex, picturing Wufei. There were times when I truly hated Ai, for having him.  
  
Well, I never really hated her. I loathed her. I wanted to be her. I wanted Wufei.  
  
That's probably the real reason why I'm crying now. I've just realized that I kept Trowa from his dream with Li. Now I'm scared that I'm never going to live my dream with Wufei.  
  
Not when Ai's wrapped around him.  
  
******************Ai's POV******************  
  
Jay's been staring at us for what seems like forever. I don't have a watch, so I don't know how long we've been waiting for news about Li, but it seems like forever.  
  
She's still staring. She wants Wufei. I can see it. I know it. Yet, somehow I've always known.  
  
Well she can have him for all I care. But I'm still here in his lap, clinging. And I know why.  
  
Because I'm scared. Because I'm hurt. Because most of all…  
  
I'm bitter.  
  
Doesn't she know this is all her fault? Everything about our screwed up love lives is hers and Trowa's fault.  
  
We all could have been happy. We could be happy.  
  
If Jay hadn't been so goddamn compassionate, and Trowa hadn't been so goddamn needy, none of this would have happened. She and Trowa wouldn't have thought they were in love. Wufei wouldn't have felt so emotional. And he wouldn't have kissed me.  
  
That's what ruined it all. If Wufei hadn't, Duo wouldn't have seen. And he wouldn't be pacing across the floor, upset over his lover. His lover Li.  
  
If Jay hadn't, I would be happy. If Trowa hadn't, I would be happy.  
  
I don't think anyone else has noticed, because we're all too busy faking our feelings. Trying to look happy, when we're not. I did it too, for a while. But I've stopped saying fake 'I love you's.  
  
Because Wufei and I aren't happy. We don't love each other. We love other people.  
  
Maybe when Li wakes up and everything is back to normal, we can work everything out. Wufei and I can unravel this tangled web we've all been caught in, and everyone can be truly happy again.  
  
But we can't, because Heero is talking to us. He says that they've done everything they can. Now it's up to Li to decide whether she's going to survive or not.  
  
At least we can see her now.  
  
******************Wufei's POV******************  
  
Everyone looks so grim. We're standing there staring at Li.  
  
Kisama, she looks awful. Tubes are everywhere. I feel nauseous.  
  
Ai's still clinging to my arm. I gave up a long time ago, trying to comfort her. We've always understood that we didn't love each other. She's watching the one she loves, hold the hand of our comatosed friend.  
  
Duo hasn't said anything, which isn't normal. But nothing right now seems normal.  
  
Both Duo and Jay aren't talking. Ai is quiet too. Quatre's stopped crying. And Heero is staring out the window.  
  
The only thing normal is Trowa's emotionlessness. He's just standing there quietly watching Duo.  
  
Suddenly, it doesn't seem right. I want to scream at him. Tell him to go to her. Push Duo away.  
  
But he won't. By all that is just, he won't. He's too convinced that Li doesn't love him back. That he isn't worthy of her love.  
  
How can he not know? It's so obvious in the way she acts around him. Her smiles. Her laughs. Everything she does screams that she loves him.  
  
But now it's Duo screaming. We're all just standing in shock, as he begins shrieking at Li. He's throwning random things around the room. Heero and I rush to stop him when he picks up a chair, wanting to smash it into the wall. It's hard to hold him still, while he screams about being left alone. He's yelling at her. He's mad. He's upset.  
  
He's going insane.  
  
I would too. If Ai left me alone to face my emotions.  
  
The doctor wants Duo out of the room. Actually he wants us all out. We drag Duo from the room, once out, he immediately shrugs us off and slumps against the wall. He puts his face in his hands and begins to cry. I felt awful. I sit back down in my seat, across the hall from Duo, and watch.  
  
Trowa asks permission to stay with Li, which he is granted as long as he remains calm. The doctor shoots Duo a glare, but I don't think Duo could hear anything but his own sobs.  
  
Ai sits next to me again. I flinched. It wasn't because of her. It was because Jay just sat down next to Duo and pulled him into her arms.  
  
If I cried would she hold me?  
  
I shouldn't have asked that. I shouldn't have thought about her at all. This is not the time for me to get upset over someone who doesn't love me.  
  
But it's not like I don't think about her all the time. I can't help it. I'm infatuated. I'm in love.  
  
I'm pissed.  
  
Duo's hugging Jay.  
  
******************Duo's POV******************  
  
How fucked up are we?  
  
Li's dying and Wufei's jealous.  
  
We're all going to hell.  
  
Jay's now lying in my arms, murmuring something. I'm only half paying attention though. I don't think she even knows what she's saying.  
  
It's been an hours since we were thrown out of Li's room. Trowa's disappeared. Heero took Quatre back to the house. Ai is asleep.  
  
And Wufei is shooting me full of mind bullets.  
  
My attention wavers from the jealous Wufei to Jay who's still mumbling random things.  
  
Suddenly I catch what she's been saying.  
  
Once again, how fucked up are we?  
  
She's been telling me about Trowa for the last half-hour. About how he talks in his sleep about Li. About how Trowa's always loved Li. About the picture he keeps of Li in his sock drawer and as a bookmark. The photo strip we took at the mall once. When everyone got into the little photo booth in pairs and we took funny pictures together. About how Trowa's always looking at the one where Li's kissing him on the cheek and he's blushing. He's smiling.  
  
Jay told me about Trowa's smile too. About how she really thought she loved him. And about how sorry she was.  
  
Fuck this. I don't care anymore about tiptoe-ing around everyone's feelings. I get up, cradling Jay in my arms. Wufei's still glaring at me, as I walk over to him. Jay's stopped talking, and watching me, unsure.  
  
Before anyone can do anything, I tell Wufei to put Ai in the chair next to him. He obeys sullenly.  
  
When he sits back down, I plop Jay into his lap, and start to pick up Ai. Wufei grabbed my arm roughly, demanding in an angry tone what the hell I think I'm doing.  
  
I was about to scream. But Jay got to him first.  
  
******************Jay's POV******************  
  
I didn't think. I did what I've wanted to do for a long time.  
  
Shut Wufei up.  
  
He didn't respond at first. I didn't really expect him too.  
  
When I pulled away, he didn't say anything. He just stared at me, obviously surprised.  
  
That was our first kiss.  
  
Which I almost forgot, as he grabbed me and proceeded to kiss me breathless.  
  
I don't know how long we sat there, kissing insanely. I just know that eventually a nurse came by and told us to take it elsewhere.  
  
We did. And we ran to get there.  
  
I was shirtless and panting by the time we got out of the taxi and to the front door. Wufei carried me to the room he shared with Ai, and we spent the next five minutes ripping off each other's clothing.  
  
As we collapsed onto the bed, he paused. He asked me if this was what I wanted.  
  
Was he shitting me?! I nearly came in the taxi, when he whispered exactly what he wanted, how he wanted it, and it was all from me.  
  
I had wanted this for the last three years.  
  
So I told him.  
  
And he proceeded to fuck my brains out.  
  
******************Ai's POV******************  
  
Where the hell am I?  
  
The last thing I remembered was falling asleep in Wufei's lap. But I wasn't leaning against the hard arm of the wooden chair. From what I could tell I was lying on a cot, surrounded by two strong arms and a godly scent. Whoever it was wasn't Wufei.  
  
Struggling against the pair of arms, I rolled over to look at my captor. My heart froze.  
  
Duo.  
  
He opened his eyes and winked. He smiled too.  
  
I melted.  
  
This couldn't be real. This was just another sick dream my imagination created. He would soon turn into Wufei or he would run away into Li's arms.  
  
But he didn't.  
  
He ran his hand through my bangs and kissed my nose.  
  
I wanted to cry.  
  
He shushed me, and pulled me closer. He murmured something I had been dying to hear for far too long.  
  
"I love you."  
  
I couldn't believe it. I was confused. I didn't understand.  
  
I asked where Wufei was.  
  
Duo flinched. And I wanted to take it back. He quietly untangled himself from my arms, and explained that Wufei had left with Jay.  
  
I tried to say something, but my throat was dry. I tried to pull him back onto the small cot, but my body felt numb. I just watched as he moved away and got off the bed.  
  
He walked to the door, and told me to get some sleep.  
  
I finally responded.  
  
He froze.  
  
"I love you."  
  
******************Li's POV******************  
  
It's been three weeks, since that chaotic night at the hospital. Or so I hear it was chaotic. I wouldn't know considering I was in a coma.  
  
But I'll never forget waking up, two weeks after the gun incident, to find Trowa sleeping on my cot with me. It seemed like I was in a dream. Trowa was next to me.  
  
When he woke up, he just looked at me. I couldn't say anything, considering there was a tube down my throat and my eyes were watering from trying to breathe. He called the doctor.  
  
Once the tube was removed, he just stood next to my bed, not saying anything. Finally Quatre came in and Trowa excused himself. Quatre plopped down happy and cheerful and explained what had happened in the last twenty- one days.  
  
I listened painfully as he told me that Wufei and Ai had broken up, and now Wufei was with Jay and Ai was with Duo.  
  
I just watched him, wondering if I was going to be as lucky as Duo and Ai finding their true loves. He didn't say anything about Trowa, and after he finished he continued to tell me what the doctor had told him. I still couldn't say anything.  
  
I didn't want to. I wanted to cry instead.  
  
  
  
Trowa hasn't spoken to me again in the last four weeks. That's how long it's taken me to get my voice back and be discharged from the hospital. Doctors praised my speedy recovery from a bullet to my left lung. They say I'm lucky to be alive.  
  
I'm starting to doubt them as my life is being turned upside down.  
  
Duo's moved out to live with Ai and I'm now left alone in our house to fend for myself against my emotions.  
  
I couldn't go back to work considering I wasn't allowed to, by way of an angry doctor. And Quatre has demanded that I stay with Heero and him on Earth to recover.  
  
I still haven't seen Trowa.  
  
I've cried myself asleep every night I've spent on Earth. There's a pain in my chest that won't go away. And I know it's not from the bullet.  
  
Duo comes to see me every so often. He tells me how great life is with Ai. With the one he loves. I just listen patiently and cheer him on. I'm happy for him.  
  
No one's heard from Trowa. Heero said that he had to leave on urgent business. And that's he'll be back soon to see me. Just like everyone else has.  
  
But I doubt he'll ever come back. I don't understand what I've done to upset him.  
  
I'm crying again.  
  
Duo's here again. I try to tell him that I'm ok. That I'm fine. But he says he's got a surprise for me. I try to act happy for him. I'm trying so hard.  
  
My surprise is Trowa. He's kneeling, and I'm feeling lightheaded. All I can do is nod and cry. He's holding me now.  
  
I'm going to be Mrs. Li Barton.  
  
I can't breath.  
  
I'm happy again.  
  
  
  
  
  
El fin. 


End file.
